The Four Burners Theory. Or, do Principals Have Friends?

Image created by Gemini

Image Created by Gemini

There is a concept that I read about that highlighted the concept of work life balance for me. It is called the Four Burners Theory, and it goes something like this, imagine your life as a cook with four burners. The first burner represents your family. The second represents your friends. The third represents your health. The fourth represents your work. The theory suggests that to be successful, you have to turn off one burner. To be truly exceptional at what you do, you have to turn off two.
I have shared this theory with a number of fellow school leaders and the conversation that follows is almost always the same. At some point the conversation will go around that Principals don’t really invest in friends, and to some degree health.  Work, and family for principals are usually the priorities. 
At some point if we talk about this theory someone says, quietly and with great sincerity, "I don't really have any friends." We tend to laugh and the reality is that it is not entirely a joke.
It is one of those peculiar truths about school leadership that nobody puts in the job description. When you step into a principal or head of campus role, the social landscape shifts in ways you do not fully anticipate. You become, by default, the person who has to make difficult decisions about people's livelihoods, their timetables, their professional development. You hold information you cannot share. You carry concerns that are not yours to distribute. The after work drinks or social events with colleagues become complicated territory, and the genuine, easy friendships you once had within a school community quietly evolve into something more guarded on both sides. There is a misconception that you are aloof or stand offish, the truth is you have be aware of your public profile and abide by the Nolan Principles. 
I have felt this acutely across my own career. Moving between countries, between schools, between roles, I have built warm working relationships everywhere I have been, and I am genuinely grateful for them. But there is a difference between collegiality and friendship, and I think school leaders are often too busy, too peripatetic, or simply too professionally cautious to nurture the latter in the way it deserves.
Here is where it gets interesting, though. The Four Burners Theory is not meant to be a counsel of despair. It is an invitation to be intentional. If you accept that you cannot keep all four burners burning at full flame simultaneously, then the question becomes: which ones are you choosing to turn down, and are you making that choice consciously, or simply by default? 
For much of my career, I suspect I let the friends burner dim without really deciding to. Work burned brightly, because the work mattered and still does. Family was non-negotiable, particularly now that my sons are growing up fast and time with them is finite in ways I feel more acutely each year. Health has been a work in progress, as I have gradually gained weight with each new role,  and it is a common factor for most people in demanding roles. But friends? That burner has often been left to manage itself, which is to say, it has not been managed at all.
What I am trying to do differently now, in my current role at Aoba Japan International School, is to be more deliberate. We are talking more about balance, about the importance of wellbeing alongside academic performance. I would feel somewhat hypocritical if I were not at least attempting to practise what I encourage. That does not mean I have suddenly acquired a lively social calendar. But it does mean I am more aware of the choices I am making, the sacrifices  and more honest about their costs. Overall my personality does suit time where I can be alone and collect my own thoughts. 
The Four Burners Theory does not tell you what to prioritise. That is entirely your own decision to make, based on your values, your season of life, and what you can genuinely sustain. What it does do is remove the comfortable fiction that everything can be kept at full heat indefinitely. Something always gives. You have to think can the burners be rotated, so there is time to focus on health and social interactions. 
Overall we are all cooking up something and we are all in the same kitchen.

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